Love you through the light
by Raven McBain
Summary: Someone watches from the dark as another breaks down before coming to the rescue. nongraphic slash, JA pairing I warn you. This story was previously titled Comfort but has been altered and a second chapter added. First person perspective.
1. Watching

**Title:** Love you through the light

**Author:** ScifiRogue Kane  
**Rating:** PG  
**Warnings:** slash , angst  
**Spoilers:** "Time Squared" and "The Future Revealed"  
**Summary:** Someone watches from the dark as another breaks down before coming to the rescue.

**Setting:** This fic occurs at the beginning of Season two just after the episode "The Future Revealed".

**Distribution:** ask first  
**Disclaimer:** These characters don't belong to me. If the show belonged to me, I would have done things differently.  
**Dedication:** My Brother asked for this pairing so here it is.  
**Author's notes:** I love the first season, tolerate the second and hate the third, so I wouldn't have set this in the second season except that was when these events occurred. I'm not really good at writing first person so go easy on me. I love reviews. They keep me going. Flames will be sent to the flying monkeys, who will then be sent after the flamers. J/A pairing

I can hear him when he doesn't think anyone elseis up, that's when he feels like he can put down his personal shields, when he allows himself to break. In the daylight, to our faces he pretended he was all right with what happened, he always does, but now that he's alone he cries. He cries out for what he might have done differently, for another outcome. Most of all he cries for what was lost.

I couldn't believe it; the first time that I heard him cry, it had been a particularly hard day dealing with the forces of evil, we had won but it had cost us. We both thought everyone had gone to sleep but I'd felt restless, so I'd gone wandering. That's when I first heard him cry. I'd almost gone to him, but it had seemed like I would be intruding, so I watched him as he cried, vented, blamed himself and finally pulled himself together, for our sakes. He doesn't cry often, I can probably count the number of times on my hand in fact, but each time I wake up and watch him from the darkness, there in case he needs me. I think that's the only time I see the true him, when he's not holding back.

Tonight, he's not just crying, he's hitting things and I'm afraid that he might hurt himself. His silent screams reverberate through the air, he mutters all the things that he could have done differently. He always wears the pain of his decisions in his eyes and kills himself with guilt, but now it's out there for all to see and the guilt just might kill him. I don't think I've ever seen him as badly off as he is tonight, he's never needed me before, but tonight, he does. So I do the only thing I can think of, I run toward him and grab his arms, pulling him against me. At first he's startled and tries to fight me, then, realizing who it is he attempts to put the mask on, the one that says, everything is fine.

There is no way I'll just forget what happened here tonight. I have to let him know that he doesn't always have to be in control and I want to give him some of the comfort that he so obviously needs, that he gives out to us when we need it without asking anything in return. So I do the only thing that I can think of doing, I kiss him.

I'm as startled as he is actually, I didn't expect myself to kiss him it just felt right, he feels right in my arms. It feels like fire is traveling through me, every part of me is tingling as I kiss him. I know he's kissing me back too, I can feel it, I know he feels the way I do.

Ever since I met him, he has always been there for me. All my life I've felt unworthy, but he makes me feel like I matter, like I can make a difference. I think the day I saw him fall apart a little, was the day I fell in love with him and I'm just realizing it now.

When he pulls away, I feel the loss. I know what it's like to shout at the darkness because it feels like the world is falling around your ears, and to pretend that the continual disappointments don't affect you, because your afraid of how others will react. He turns his back to me in order to hide his shock, pain and fear, he's trying to control his feelings. He just doesn't understand that I love him and will continue to love him no matter what. He just can't stopseeing me as a kid that needs protecting, he protects the others too, but especially me.

I turn him back toward me before he can hide and look straight into his eyes. I usually try to avoid eye contact because I don't want others to know what's going on behind my eyes. I'm always unsure of myself, always afraid that I won't measure up. Now, though, I know I love him and I need him to know that too. I just hope that he loves me back, I think he does, I feel that he does, but it's hard to know with him. If I'm making a mistake, I'll never be able to look at him again.

Now he has completely gone completly into leader mode, hiding that vulnerability away from me. The only sign of his inner turmoil is his eyes, I can still see it, The tears are gone but the vulnerability is still there, hidden but still there. He can pretend all he wants but I know better. He goes to speak but I won't let him. I've watched from the shadows far too often to just stand by and let him tear himself apart.

"You can cry," I whisper, "It's all right, you don't have to hide, not from me." He looks away from me, he just can't let go of the image he projects to the world. Even with all that has happened in the last few weeks, he still can't let go.

Ashlock may be dead but he left his mark on this team, he hurt all of Mutant X.The man standing before memost of all, he can't get past his guilt. He can tell us he's fine, but it's a lie, that's why he is so upset tonight, Gabriel's death broke him. I hate Ashlock more tonight then I ever have. Except after Ashlock killed him, then I could have killedAshlock myself, I had to go back to save him, I had no choice, now I know why.

He's been focusing on the rest of us, dealing with our new abilities, helping Shal deal with Gabriel's presence in her head, etc. Therefore whenever the past is brought up he can focus on us and what we need. It makes it that much easier to sidestep us when we try to talk to him about his feelings. Now I'm notgoing to let himpush me away.

"I'm here for you," I say, holding his hands, "and I love you." I then let go of his hands, kiss him gently on the lips and head back to my bedroom. I close the door behind me and lie down on my bed, attempting to go to sleep.

I've already started to dose when I heard a light knock on my door and his voice comes through the door. "Can I come in?" I'm startled, hopeful and afraid, all at the same time. So I say "Of course," with a bit of trepidation. What if he's here to tell me that he just cares for me as a friend and he never wants a repeat of tonight.

The door opens and he walks in, looking a bit unsure. He walks straight up to me and says, "If you love me through the shadows then I can love you through the light. Jesse, I love you, so much. It's just so hard . . . " I silence him with my hand. "It's only hard if you make it." I tell him, "I love you, Adam and you love me, that's all we need." With that I kiss him and we start our new relationship.


	2. Breaking

**ADAM**

I always wait until no one is up before I'm able to put down my personal shields, that's when I let myself be human for a while and I can stop pretending that I'm not affected. The daylight hours are when I put up my mask, to their faces I pretended I'm all right with what happened, just like I always do, I have to, they won't understand my pain and they are all suffering so I have to be strong, but now that I'm alone I can cry for what I might have done differently, for another way and for what was lost. I created this out come, everything that happened is my fault, a result of my arrogance.

It's very rare that I allow myself to break down, I wait until the others have gone to bed and then I try to see what I could have done to make things easier. It's always after a particularly rough run, when someone was killed or nearly destroyed. The team is usually rocked to the core and I feel it, that's when the guilt comes.

I never have been as angry with myself and the world as I am tonight. I'm almost tearing the lab apart in my intensity, I can see the million and one ways's that I could have done things differently and it nearly destroys me. I see Ashlock's face and I beat my fist into the wall, not caring if I hurt myself. I'm glad no one can see me because I know that everything I am is out for all to behold, the pain, guilt, anger and the fear. The horrible dread that this might happen to the people I have grown to love so much.

Suddenly I feel someone grab my arms, and pull me close. I'm startled and so I react as if this person is an assailant, I fight him. It takes a few seconds before I recognize who it is. I didn't know he was up and now I'm concerned how much he saw. Immediately I hide away my feelings and put on the face that he and the others are used to, my clam face, because I can't let him see all the swirling emotions I'm feeling. I can't lose his respect, I care about him a great deal more then I let on and there is no way I'll ever let him know that.

I'm completely startled when he kisses me. I want the kiss, I want him, he feels so right in my arms, like he belongs there. I want the kiss to go on forever, I kiss him as hard as I can, because I can't believe that this is happening. At first I cared for him like family, he was sweet, almost like a small child. As a result I looked out for him, protected him, I hadn't realized how much my feelings were shifting until he kissed me and all the pain and secret went away for a little while.

I suddenly realize how wrong this is, I'm broken and I can't love him like he deserves to be loved, so I pull away and step back. I feel the darkness closing in around me again, reminding me how much I could hurt him, the world shifted and the secrets were back, reminding me how much I had been hurt before. I turn around so he can't see all te conflicting emotions he's brought up. I need to protect him and myself, I just can't let go of the mask

He gently turns me around and stares straight into my eyes. We both try to avoid eye contact because we don't want others to know what's going on behind my eyes. I am always afraid that others will see past the mask and see the ugly truth. I don't know if I could stand it if they realized how broken I am. I know that I love him but I need to make sure that neither of us get's hurt, so I made sure all he could see was my mask, and not my feelings.

"You can cry," he whispers, "It's all right, you don't have to hide." Then I look away, I have made this part of myself and I can't let go. He is so sweet and so naive, that it would be to easy for him to get hurt.

Ashlock is the best example of how I can destroy others, he died because of me, just as those he killed died because of me, Ashlock hurt all of Mutant X and nearly destroyed Shalimar because of me. I have never felt so angry at myself in my whole life, I tell them I'm fine, they need to think I'm fine, but inside I'm sickened. Ironically I was almost one of Ashlock's victims, when we were sent into the past, he saved me, he went back a few minutes and prevented my death, my hero.

I focus all my attentions on them, because they are dealing with a lot right now, especially their new abilities, and it makes it easier for me to pretend I don't hurt, sidestepping their inquiries about how I am. I don't want them to worry about me.

Suddenly he speaks again, "I'm here for you, and I love you." I'm so startled that I barely notice as he let's go of my hands, brushes his lips across mine and walks upstairs. I can't wrap my head around the fact that he just said he loved me.

I sat down on the chair because my legs wouldn't support my weight anymore. He loves me, that just can't be possible! I've been hurt before by someone who said they loved me, but I know he wouldn't. I have hurt people, but I know I would die before I hurt him. It's just the illusion that keeps me from going up their, the fear of letting go of that mask. Finally I stand up and slowly walk to his room.

It takes a lot of effort just to give a light knock on his door and to strangle out, "Can I come in?" I half hope that he says no because I'm more scared then I have been in my entire life. So when he says "Of course," I enter with a bit of trepidation. How can something feel so right and yet so wrong in the same moment.

I walk straight up to him and say, "If you love me through the shadows then I can love you through the light. Jesse, I love you, so much. It's just so hard . . . " He silences me with his hand and replies, "It's only hard if you make it, I love you, Adam and you love me, that's all we need." Then he kisses me and nothing else matters but him.

**TO MY READERS**

? - I'm sorry you don't appreciate the pairing, I should have told people before hand who the pairing was.

PsiGen - You just love all my work so long as it includes Adam don't you? I hope you enjoy this chapter. I will never stop writing, it's the only way to spread my insanity (LOL)

Feral's Revenge - WOW, thank you so much for your kind words. I completely agree that there is not enough of this pairing that is why I chose to write one. I would write more but i have a very busy life and I have been very unmotivated as of late. OH and a lot of good writers hate their writing such as J. K. Rowling or Bruce Covile so I'm in illustrious company, i trust my reviewers to know if my writing is good or bad.


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